This is a bit heavy so I have kept it to myself for a while.
Having a serious illness has made me think a great deal about life and it’s ups and downs as I am sure many people with disabilities have found .
Recently my father past away .He didn’t have a religious ceremony and I feel that when my time comes I would like the same. He was a clever man who had a lot of inner strength , and despite health issues towards the end he never complained. Unlike me . If I am ill everyone knows about it ! Towards the end he wasn’t like my dad anymore. He couldn’t speak or hear. I now wear his signet ring and when I catch myself looking at it I can remember him like he used to be. Which is a real comfort.
I am not a religious man either but I may be a bit spiritual . When other people went to church on Sunday morning I was running round my village. (I was well then) . I felt kind of at one with things and in the moment. I have never felt that religion was for me . About the closest thing that makes any sense is Buddhism which is not a religion but a way of life . I read a book on western Buddhism which allows you to follow some of the teachings without going full on monk. Treating other people with respect , doing the right thing, and meditation . I have a few meditation techniques which I can use. I found them reading about Mindfulness . A while ago I had to go to church for some reason that escapes me and I didn’t listen to a word that was said but I just used the time to meditate and I felt quite good when I left. Churches are probably a good place to meditate ! Being quiet etc but I would feel a bit hypocritical if I used them in this way.
I have a view on things which I think of quite a bit. I have a degree in Geophysics and read books about Astronomy , physics , geology, planetary science, relativity, quantum physics etc . In short I am a nerd . I can only get to grips with part of what I read but I am trying to understand how the universe that I live in works. Think on this : what are the chances of being a living organism on this staggeringly beautiful planet ? In this part of the galaxy where it appears there is no possibility that there are other sentient life forms for millions and millions of miles ? We are to all intents and purposes alone. Also I was born human , not a tree or a worm or an insect or a cat etc etc.. What are the chances ? I was born in the U.K. where I am free to live a good life , I am not oppressed ,incarcerated , bombed . What are the chances ? As a human I can think ahead, learn stuff, write , build , design. I could be an engineer, an author etc . What ARE the chances ? It’s a mind boggling large number to one. Somedays I just go in the garden and look at the sky. Look at the stars and Moon at night. It’s so amazing.
I would like to make it to Botswana for the reason that there I could see a wild and special part of the planet before it’s too late for me. So I am going to keep working on my fitness and also get my weight down (stop eating peanuts and crisps etc !)
life throws bad stuff at us. I lost my first wife to cancer. She was 46. I lost two of my closest friends to heart attacks , one was 36 and another 46. I have MS and now basically a cripple. However I got married again to a wonderful woman. I have two amazing daughters. A great stepson. I live in a beautiful part of England. We have a dog.
In my life I have travelled , learnt to play the guitar, I paint, I take pictures, I go fishing. I am now using technology to get around. I have a dog. Lots to do. I have a good brain. So not so bad at all.
I have the most wonderful friends . I recently had a party . I called people who I hadn’t seen for ages because of lockdown and then sent invites out, and , you know what ? They all came, from all over the U.K . Nobody cancelled . We had the best day. Lockdown made me realize that I am not great on my own all the time, in fact I am the opposite. I need my friends . That’s probably true for most people. Most of us are not designed to be loners.
So on balance pretty good . I need to read this when I am struggling to walk, fatigued and in pain. When it seems everything is sh-t and against me.